this year started rough, i was not in a good place mentally having struggled with a suffocating fear of failing. i had changed careers and left a job i had been in for many years with an overwhelming sense that i had failed, i started a new job with an equally overwhelming fear i would fail. at the same time i was navigating what was the most important intimate relationship of my life with a fear i might fail there too. funnily enough i had thought in my head that i could always get another job and my relationship was strong enough to survive the trials of life. i had no tools to express myself and my fears of failure, i was terrified of seeming weak and i had no where to turn for guidance. anyway, while i fought with every ounce of strength i had to strengthen and maintain my relationship it was slipping away and once i realised that it had me examine other relationships that were important and failing. this all compounded in a perfect mental storm and i found myself in a place that was totally foreign to me, a place where my mental health was in tatters. i was overcome by my emotions and it had a profound and challenging effect on my everyday existence. i was a physical, emotional and psychological mess. i needed to find strength at a time when i had never felt as weak.

over the course of the next few months i spent a lot of time alone, first of all attempting to make sense of what was happening, secondly, trying to understand why and finally, through a journey of self awareness i was looking for the strength to be able to raise myself up and as such be the best i could be. this is where the search within for strength was most difficult. i found i had to be strong to not let the circumstances around my relationship issues destroy the tiny bit of confidence that remained, at the same time i had to be strong in facing my fears and admitting i needed a lot of help, i had to be strong to be able to still function personally and professionally while i battled with my fragile mental state, i had to find the strength to accept things that terrified me, i had to find the strength to be honest with myself for the first time in my life around who and what i was, i had to find the strength to accept what i had lost.

today i say “i am in recovery”, i am on a journey that i can not see the end of. today i am more self aware than i have ever known, i am committed to learning from where i have been, i am focused on being all i can be, i am positive in areas of my life that were always in question, i am not allowing fear to dictate my path anymore.

i found strength and i am strong

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